Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off.īut they still think of each other periodically.Marriage is a thing that puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under a man’s eyes.Son: “Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries.”įather: “That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!”.Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce.Why did Comic Sans break up with Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.You may need this person to finish a sentence.” - Erma Bombeck “Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage.They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. Their kids are nothing to look at either. It’s been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.They are hard to get started they give off foul odors and do not work half the time. Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”.Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a very emotional day.If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” - Emma Bombeck RELATED: 100+ Soulmate Quotes To Help You Believe In Everlasting Love Smith: “Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!” Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.” “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” - Anne Bancroft.They were perfectly suited to each other. Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts?.In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it. I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned the groom’s intelligence.“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garnder.He goes out when unattended.” - Evan Esar The engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, and the enduring. Marriage requires a man to prepare four types of rings:.

Did you hear about the notebook that married a pencil?.It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” - Rita Rudner I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot. Marriage is becoming more and more progressive.

I’m just glad that I could be here today to witness them make the best decision of their lives… choosing me as their MC. Some good decisions and some not-so-good decisions. I’ve known John and Jane for a few years now, and I’ve seen them make a lot of tough decisions together.

I wanted to make a short toast of my own.

The bride was radiant, and the groom was glowing.

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job.The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one.I asked them that if, in all those years, had they ever thought of divorce. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!”.Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married?.Grooms, once you get married, remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes, dear”.īecause marriage is definitely an eye-opener.Did you hear about the bald man who married his comb?.The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Two cannonballs got married this morning.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged?.

RELATED : 95 Relationship Jokes For All Your Lovers Past, Present, And Future So, if you’re planning to walk down the aisle soon, these jokes will definitely help you destress. Weddings are beautiful and aren’t possible without some elbow grease, hard work, and one or two breakdowns. Getting married is awesome, but it’s also probably the biggest party you’ll plan in your life. RELATED: How To Write Memorable Wedding Vows Without Stressing Before The Big Day If you’re tired of all the lovey-dovey quotes about love and marriage, then you’ll love the best wedding jokes we rounded up that will make you the toast of the ceremony and the reception. I mean, it’s called an “institution” for a reason. Getting married is serious business, but it’s also a time to let loose and poke fun at the silliness of it all.

I married a lame o